Dear God

Dear God,
Remember when I wanted nothing to do with You?  There was a time in my life when I thought if there really was a God then the definition would read something like, “Creator and Ruler of the Universe with a vengeance for…”   Somehow, not sure why, my name was listed first and foremost directly after the ellipses.   

I blamed You God.   You had it in for me.   So I thought.  For so many years.   For so many reasons.   I just didn’t get You.   It started with me never understanding why Daddy had to leave.   Why did he have to die?  Didn’t You know how much I needed him?  Didn’t you know the teasing voices would one day become so much louder, in my head, and shape how I saw myself?   Didn’t You know, that without Daddy’s positive affirmations,  I would be left scarred, and this time, internally?  

Didn’t You care? 

You know it took me a long time to heal.  I spent years trying to process why.  Why, if God is so good, would He ever do this to me?  Why would God allow such a little girl to experience so much pain, grief and trauma?  What kind of God would ever think this was a good plan? 

Today, it’s different though.  I am so grateful for Who You are in my life.   I want to thank You.   Thank You God for allowing me to have at least eight years with my Dad.   I am grateful that I had him during my most formidable years.  Thank You for giving me the opportunity to know a father’s love.  An unconditional father’s love.  Both Daddy and Yours. 

I still don’t understand ‘the why’s” but it no longer matters.

Oh God, there is so much I want to say.   But then again, You already know.  

I know some day I will see Daddy again in Heaven and then I can thank him for loving me the way that he did.   In the meantime, could You let him know.  

I love you so much God that somedays all I can do is just cry. 

Your daughter forever,
Liz
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